CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
is this store having a stroke wtf
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches