Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Word!

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good