Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
bat life
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys