Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
You Might Also Like
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry