Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

This is my brand.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it