Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

nyc:

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing