You Might Also Like
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
When news reporters do sports stories
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.