You Might Also Like
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.