[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”