Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

😂🖐️

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that