Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*