[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me