Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.