Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.