Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.