Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You Might Also Like
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex