Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.