Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.