Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]