Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

I created you as mosquito food.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.