Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure