Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Best spot.. 😅
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.