Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Nice try, NASA

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.