Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

This is my cat’s medicine.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Dietest Coke

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.