[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
❤️🦆
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?