Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

#FunnyLife Insects

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

my friends when i can’t do basic math

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.