Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

asking santa clause for nudes

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

look at me when i’m typing to you

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON