(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
