Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

For the orator and chef in all of us

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

🤣

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Perfect

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred