Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Here to help

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

can you read it!!??

maan!