Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

She knows her part so well!

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl