Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

can’t bark with your mouth full

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

so this horse walks into a bar

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.