Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

😂😂

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

I am crying

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

the short answer to this question

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral