[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.