Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.