CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty