CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]