Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.