CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother