Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
British websites use biscuits.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.