Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof