[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
i actually laughed 😩
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!