Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.