*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Autocarrot sucks!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.