Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Geez man, take it easy.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
