Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)