Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

The first matador

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

he’ll never suspect a thing

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave