Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
here we go again
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
see next tweet for some translations
