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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?