car not found
You Might Also Like
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.