Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.