Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.