Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.