Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I only treason on days ending in y
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
WHY?!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.