Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

I did not eat the cake…

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.