Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars