car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I hate my earbuds.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses