Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

me opening up to someone

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.