car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch