Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

THE DOG😭😭💀

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Interior design 👌

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u