Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”