Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
X-tra spooky blend
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years