Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

honey, bring out the fine china.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me