Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here