Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.