Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I put the mess in domestic.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”