Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.