Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood