Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

never stops being funny

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work