Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no their not

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers